like really, what IS it?

also, i love college

i am some kind of mehsrumm. somecond of imperceptible rum goddess. good lord i am just realizing now all that has happined / what i am doing now. and it is royally insane. like whatthefuck am i doin postin at 3 am? anyways. shit i had to type that like 2343423456 tiems. i dont know what to hting aobut stuff any more right now i am closing my eyes and ho[ing for hte brst.

My idols (no specific order, because im lazcy like that, too lazy to even spell it correctly):

• julia child
• beyonce
• bo burnham
• marilyn monroe
• MLK
• karin dreijer
• barney
• madame bovary
• andrew vanwyngarden
• woody allen
• dali
• antoine de sain-exupery
• vashti bunyan
• bob dylan
• obama
• ghandi
• edie sedgwick
• andy warhol
• christian siriano
• emily tyson
• sitting bull
• devendra banhart

God, sososososoooomanymore.

i swear im not this cynical in real life.

i always said such strange things to you. im sorry.  Something about being with you made me do it; you made me scream, you made me different.  "No i take my potatoes without applesauce, thank you."  i suppose it was something between a nervous tick and a wish.  or maybe it was a freedom.  A freedom from, like one of those guarentee's roosevelt promised. Or your money back.  "Tonight, let's be like two drunk flamingoes."  i just miss you alot now.  you made me ooze myself, a very rare thing indeed.  Walls surround me like the heart of the snail.  Fragile, vulnerable, soft.  To expose myself was scary.

Well, while i didnt think it would happen it did.  Im basically done with it now.  i got up yesterday morning at 630 am with the urge to purge.  after cleaning my room extensively, i wrote a note to my now (in my book anyways) ex.  My therapist suggested this and a right good suggestion it was.  She gave me sooo many things in the space of one quick appointment.  i really forgot how helpful she was.  i walked out with a plan, perspective, and self esteem.  again, not bad for 30 minutes.  i really do feel like i am beginning to own and understand this life i live.  yeah, there will be times when shit goes south, but i must remember eventuality.  While we may be suffering now, its only temporary.  Course say that to someone who just got hit by a car and it doesnt quite mean the same.  i guess that is what christianity bases itself on.

wow. as i typed "christianity," i saw that it came up misspelled.  after retyping it i found out that the misspelling was the lack of capitalization.  im sorry, but i dont really believe in capitalization.  at the beginning of a sentence i take no issue with it, but if it is capitalized because it is a "proper" noun, i always ignore it.  i dont believe that any one noun is necessarily more deserving of attention than any other.


eh maybe i just hate being told what to do.

Who am I to care? who am i to exist? i have been reduced to a unwilling parasite.  i may not choose what happens to me, i may only make the best of the shit i am left with.  i now rely on others to give me things i so easily took for granted.  shit i have gone through recently:

1) Car crash on birthday
2) debit card stolen
3) mother's increasing mental issues (eventually culminating in multiple prescriptions)
4) relationship deterioration.
5) my fathers tumour
6) my fathers inability to hold onto money

So yeah. shit goes down. who gives a crap. 


In another area:  i have recently remembered how confusing this world is.  the amount of concepts it holds makes my brain seize.  i know there is no way i could ever attempt to "know" everything, but even contemplating all of the ideas and thoughts is mind-boggling.  Life is overwhelming when looked at from below. 

im not sure what i am exactly living for.  am i living to create? to love? to feel? to die? 
gosh some people are just really good at life.



jealousy. 

Maybe the world is just a series of numbers and quantities.  Maybe everything is like the matrix, nothing but computer codes falling like rain.  Everything seems to be a mathematical equation, a dance of values.  Think of it, we are no more than quantity, 112 lbs, 75% liquid H20, 23% carbohydrates, 2% shit.

I hate it.  thats not the world i want to live in.  I want to live in a world of freedoms and will.  I want the trees to grow where they want to, to flower when they want to.  I do not want some perfect tree equation to make them. 

Because beauty is really just imperfection.

Car crashes are probably the worst birthday present.

I feel like I have become a fattened calf.  Good times have left me accustomed and lazy. 
But now its time.

Here come the hungry men,
coming to taste their investment.
and its really hard to run when your fat.

Ok,


Yusss.

Newday, newresolutions. 
Last night i had a fabulous heart to heart with my girl Jessie over 3 cups of coffee at like 12am.  It helped an unbelievable amount.  She told me something my boyfriend told her that really set things straight.  Now i know what to do, the only question is when.


I felt incredibly relieved, but im also scared and nervous for that whole how-business.